Revolutionary road: 25 days until The Oscars

We’re back on air, and it seems like a lot has changed already. Obama has already made the world a little freer, while elsewhere the situation has become a little worse than we can bear. Er, sorry, I mean worse than we can bear. Yet let’s distract ourselves from these depressing matters of worldwide importance, and concentrate on something slightly more aesthetic.

The Oscars are on their way! The nominations were published last week, which means we can all start feverishly debating the most important questions. Who will wear the most ridiculous clothing? Which selection of irritating celebrities will be the most cringeworthily unfunny in presenting an award? Who will cry the most in their acceptance speech? (my money’s on Mickey Rourke for that one…)

This year there is an increased furore over the Oscars, due to Britain’s weeping sensation being in line for a few accolades. So I’m determined not tdo what I usually end up doing, and miss out on half the fun by not having seen most of the films involved. I often find myself being regaled by my relentlessly passionate film student housemate about the travesty of No Country for Old Men beating There Will be Blood last year, and am only able to respond by meekly bleating “yes” and hoping he’ll move on to something I do have an opinion about, like pubs with expensive beer. (It’s a crime!)

So this year, I’m resolving to change that by actually watching every film nominated for Best Picture. That consists, for those of you unable to follow a link, of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, Slumdog Millionaire and The Reader. Then, I will make my pronouncement as to who will win the Oscar, and be proved entirely wrong on the night. So it goes. Will I be able to watch them all in time? We’ll see…
(ok, so I may have already watched one of them, but let’s pretend I haven’t because that makes things more interesting)

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NEWSFLASH

There is one other cinematic task that I am determined to accomplish. It is a difficult one, that requires a near-superhuman amount of stamina. Could it be an in-depth comparison of The Accused and Irreversible? A close analysis of 50 Cent’s filmography? Let me give you a clue…

That’s right: at some point in the next 25 days, I am going to watch High School Musical. I just can’t put it off any longer: too many people are obsessed with it, and I can’t justify slagging it off as I usually do if I haven’t actually seen it. To be honest, though, I am more scared of watching this film than any other I can remember (well, maybe except The Orphanage, but let’s be honest, that bastard should come with a health warning). What if… I like it? My horror at the prospect of destroying my carefully cultivated aura of avant-garde hyperintelligence with a slew of life-affirming songs and cheerleading dances is too great to contemplate. Soon, I’ll be facing my fears.

The big day

So, after weeks of the event being built up to and ridiculously hyped up by idiots with weblogs, I suppose it was inevitable that it would be slightly underwhelming.

I rushed in late to Obama’s swearing in, having only just escaped a seminar, and heard the last few chords of what seemed to be Weezer’s “The Greatest Man That Ever Lived”. Once I had overcome that bit of confusion, I listened to the oath, which was was stumbled through slightly unconvincingly. I say listened, because I had to be content with catching fleeting glimpses of a TV screen that I peered helplessly at through a large crowd of people in the Students’ Union. And they had chosen to show BBC News’s coverage of the event, which managed to break all known records for sycophancy and mawkishness.

Huw: We are gathered here today to celebrate the coming to power of the revered messiah, Barack H. Obama.
Shots of members of the crowd alternately weeping and cheering uncontrollably.
Huw: Yes, the car containing the saviour of the free world is now advancing one more foot down the road, which reminds us of the long and slow path that President Obama took, from his humble roots in Chicago, Illinois to the dazzling heights that he has reached today.
Cut to drawn-out montage of speeches, etc.
Huw (crying visibly): We now go to our reporter on the scene, T. D. O’Suckup.
O’Suckup: Yes, Huw, I am now right by the car, and I can confirm that in yet another incredible moment, absolutely nothing is happening. That’s right – not even the tiniest of pressworthy events or photo opportunities. I can honestly say that this is the greatest moment of my life and I can now die a fulfilled person.
Huw: Amazing, T. D. Do you think anything might begin to happen in the next few hours?
O’Suckup: [very long pause] Yes.
(cont. p.94 of Private Eye)

You get the idea. Even Ted Kennedy couldn’t take any more. Despite that, I was still drawn into watching several hours of said broadcast, through the several hundred marching parades, formal lunches and interviews with inconsequential political/economic speculators. Then I went home and watched some more on the BBC website. It was just too important to miss (and it turned out Sky News’s coverage wasn’t up to scratch either).

And so we welcome the next few years, and begin to formulate our expectations. For one thing, it’s going to be quiet in the halls of the Fourth Estate without the constant source of stories they’ve grown to take for granted. But it’s more than that – there is a global sense that this is a positive appointment, that we may actually experience the much-touted change. But unfortunately for us impatient media types, we’ll have to wait and see whether our hopes are realised. The greatest man that ever lived? Time will tell.

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Join me next time, when we count down to something that has nothing to do with politics, and my journalistic zeal leads me to actually leave my bedroom for a bit. Shocker!

1 day to go: Stop! Obamatime

So, the day is almost upon us. The many press institutions have descended into wild paroxysms of anticipation. At the Obama concert earlier, U2 looked very old and Joe Biden looked like he didn’t know who any of the acts were. A security measure or two is in place. Record crowds are gathering in Washington – in fact, we learn that the second largest crowd in recent times was for Clinton’s inauguration in 1993. Far be it from me to question whether there’s a reason that only one of the two parties can cause huge jubilant crowds to gather…

Anyway, Obama’s inauguration is but one day away. And that heralds the start of a crucial period of history. Eight years ago, I would never have predicted that the world would be in the situation it is in now. Mostly because I was twelve years old at the time, but that’s by the by. The point is, there’s a lot of political work to do, and as I warned yesterday there are expectations on Obama to get it done rather too quickly. But as they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and so we must give the new pres more than just one day to turn everything around.

And with that, I am proud to announce that in TWO DAYS, SuperObama will have rescued us all! The day after tomorrow, we will wake up to find that world peace has been declared, we are all suddenly rich, and Obama has personally left a hamper on all of our pillows containing marshmallows. How thoughtful!

Seriously though, it is still important not to get carried away over the inauguration. But I may allow myself, just a tiny amount, to do what Barack has been urging us to do all along, and hope.

2 days to go

As America prepares itself for a historic day of jubilation, I am glancing at the schedule of events and facing the irritating prospect of being in lectures while most of the inauguration ceremony takes place, due to it not being a national holiday over here. This is a most atrocious perversion of justice, and I will certainly be marching on Parliament to get Tuesday made into a day off for all. While I’m at it, it is a similar outrage that we are not given holidays for thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Scientologist new year, talk like a pirate day…

Moving on, I have been rather busy over the last few days with academic commitments and such, but I have still had time to contemplate the crucial question that has gripped us all: will the inauguration actually be any good? Things aren’t looking too bad on that front: Beyoncé and Springsteen are lined up to perform, and neither of those are cringeworthy choices (does anyone think he’ll play Born In the USA?), and the classical music is arranged by John Williams (so we can all hope that they’ll play the Star Wars theme tune at some point). The only foreseeable problem with the line-up is that unfortunately Bono will have to be there, and may ruin things by bursting into song during the speeches, or trying to accept the presidency himself as part of his unending quest to become ruler of the world.

The only remaining worry is that the continuing press frenzy has set the bar rather too high for Obama’s presidency. Four of the top five Guardian United States headlines are currently about Obama saving the world in some way (the fifth story is about the last flight that Rick Waller took. Oh, what an unnecessary burn). If Obama doesn’t eradicate poverty, bring peace to the world and save the economy within the first two hours of his administration, it’s apparently going to be a disappointment. It appears that if we are to treat the next four years seriously, we’re going to have to cover our ears to all the gushing hype and just resist the temptation to go insane.

Tomorrow: I debate whether to wear my “Obama is God” hoodie or get a huge body tattoo of Obama’s face. (can we commit crimes of fashion? Yes we can!)

6 days to go: are you excited yet?

So much to write about, so little time…

The other night, I was watching the revered and entirely uncontroversial documentary ‘Most Annoying People of 2008′ on the BBC, when to my surprise up cropped Obama and McCain at number 11 (just below Amy Winehouse’s dad). Leaving aside for a minute the fact that Barack and John are actually two people, not one, were they really that annoying in their campaigns? Neither of them resorted to getting dodgy celebrities to officially endorse them (not too much anyway). Most of the candidates’ childish mudslinging was actually invented by zealous and partisan sections of the media. I found the whole affair to be significantly annoying than any of the recent political battles between two grinning idiots that Britain has had to put up with in recent years.

Anyway, as the day of inauguration draws near, the press are wholeheartedly filling their column space with every story that has anything whatsoever to do with the event. Did you know it’s the most expensive inauguration ever, the tickets sold out in a few seconds, the stand-in for Obama at the rehearsal doesn’t look much like him …and you can get an Obama thong? (And those foolish detractors say that writing a blog is as easy as stealing a load of content off the Guardian and a handful of other websites. How wrong they are)

Are you excited about the inauguration? You probably are if you live in the USA, because you get a day off work. In the dreary ol’ UK, I’m mainly looking forward because I won’t have to stay up until 5am like I did on election night.

Finally, Burris is about to get seated and Coleman’s last-ditch plans aren’t going well, so the Dems may well have 59 senators any day now. Great! Now we just need one aging Republican to retire… because all the oldest senators are Reps, right?

9 days to go: read all about it

Typical, eh? I spend days blogging about how there isn’t any Obama news, and then as soon as I turn my head away the articles start flooding in. Well, they do say that you wait ages for an unwatched bus then it boils three times at once. Or something.

Fascinatingly, the news seems to oscillate between matters of utmost worldwide importance, and scraps of pointless twaddle about his personal life. Usually, articles of both types are reported within hours of each other by the same news institutions, who don’t seem to notice that this is rather strange. Obama promises new tack on Iran, booms the BBC. Roughly three inches of screen real estate away, he’s having a hot dog. The Telegraph exegetically scrutinises Obama’s economic plans, but what’s that other article that’s thrashing it in the “most read” list? That’s right, it’s the one about how Obama might be making 24 a bit worse. (and there I was thinking it couldn’t possibly get any worse…)

Given that electing a new leader generally means you’ll be living with every aspect of they and their family’s personal life for the next however many years, it can only be a matter of time before news institutions start to report on both subjects in the same article. “Obama to hold talks with Israel, also to pop down to the off-licence for a copy of Zoo” the papers will scream. “Obama has pineapple on pizza; stock market plummets”. “Obama quits smoking, starts World War 3 due to withdrawal-related irritation”.

Also, the Democrats’ eternally-changing opinion on scandal has switched direction again as they voted to impeach Blagojevich. Surely the tide can’t turn again? Let’s hope not – the last thing we need over the next four years is someone who annoys everyone, is potentially harmful to his country and will needlessly refer to people’s race. Oh come on, I had to get a dig in somewhere, it was just yelling out.

13: lunch with the banana bunch

I may have felt irritated that my Costcutter pork and stuffing sandwich (what? It turns out detoxing is all a big fraud) was slightly dry and stale-tasting, but in reality I should be counting my blessings as there were far worse lunch situations to be in today.

That’s right, the presidents’ lunch took place, pitting Obama and Carter against the Bushes senior and junior. (I honestly have no idea which side Clinton would be on here…). What can the five of them possibly have talked about that wouldn’t cause the occasion to descend into chaos? Policy is banned, obviously. So are world affairs, with the foreign situation as violent as it currently is (not to mention that Barack would presumably keep up his absolute silence on the subject, which would really kill the conversation). Music? Bill might get the saxophone out, and nobody wants that. Films? They might talk about W. Even that old refuge of the uncreative, the weather, is out in case it leads to a dangerous discussion on global warming. What we have then, is the most awkward lunch ever eaten. Imagine the scene:

Obama: Well, gentlemen… oxygen… is good.
Bush: Yes.
Dubya: I agree with that. I think.
Obama: And polygamy… is bad.
Clinton: I don’t know about that.
Food is served.
Bush: Ah, this looks like chicken cooked in oil. We love a bit of oil, don’t we son?
Dubya: Anyway, enjoy this lunch, Barry. I cooked it myself.
Obama: Er… could I get someone in here to test for poison?
Long, uncomfortable silence.
Dubya: (consulting prepared list of acceptable topics) I broke my PB on my morning jog this morning. (snores are heard all round) You should see how fast I ran.
Carter: Iran?! Aargh! (falls into a fit of flailing and is swiftly carried away by government officials)
Obama: I must say, this is …hang on… what’s that moving under the table?
Clinton: Oh, that’s just Monica.

In other news, never let the Democrats be accused of putting up token displays of useless resistance in order to keep up appearances.

Selected headline from yesterday: Senate bars entry to disputed recruit for Obama seat.
Selected headline from today: Senate Democrats Now See a Path to Seat for Burris.

Hmm. Looks like the plan is to forget the entire episode and resume business as usual, although if the last couple of weeks are anything to go by it’ll only be a couple of days until the next scandal crops up. Who knows what it’ll be? My money’s on “David Axelrod unexpectedly releases new album“.

15 days: the ecunomical movement

As I’m fed up of the embarrassment of watching my beloved Premiership team barely scrape past Blyth Spartans, it is time to blog again. And lo and behold – some fresh Obama news!

Two new events have occurred, of seemingly conflicting imports. Firstly, Barack is convincing congress to approve the economic stimulus that will save America from recession, rescue businesses from the brink of collapse, bring the state of the world in a swift about turn to prosperity and happiness, and surely crown him as the greatest… huh? Oh, the other event. Obama’s commerce nominee has pulled out of government because he is allegedly a cheating scumbag. And you thought things were looking good…

So, Obama’s transition has now been hit by two scandals, and it appears that he is surrounded by scumbags. Are doubts starting to creep in around such a promising appointment?

Surely something must be done to stabilise the economy and halt the advance of the swindlers. And these two helpful articles highlight the importance of one particular demographic in doing so: the middle class. Well, if there’s one subject I know well it’s life as a member of the suburban middle class, so without further ado I present the ten top tips for bolstering the bourgeois’s boldness and curing commerce’s critical condition.

1) Subsidise organic food. That’ll get the smug bastards running to the nearest Waitrose faster than you can say ’swiss chard frittata’.
2) Run an intensive propaganda campaign to put the image of a hybrid car on every billboard. They’ll be so full of middle-class guilt that everyone will buy at least 10 Priuses, negating the need for an automobile industry bailout.
3) Have the middle classes’ messiah, Nigella, endorse investment in long-term capital management.
4) Two words: iPhone tax.
5) That’s enough stereotyping. Don’t you think it’s part of the problem? Once you start stereotyping all types of people, you become something horrible. And, for me, this landmark in sociological progress represents a rejection of old-fashioned conservative values and stereotypes. If we won’t stop collectively ripping on the working class or whatever demographic happens to draw the short straw this week, there is little chance for the progress that we hope for from Obama’s presidency. Unification – not division – should be a theme of the next eight years. So, as I was saying, we should disband all current governments and immediately form a socialist arch-society… what? Oh yes, progress of democracy and all that.

Whoops, it’s after midnight and my datestamps will get mixed up. Oh well, it might encourage me to post something a mite less insane.

Also, a post script to the entry of two days ago: Franken is looking pretty likely to win now. Hurrah!

16: day off

Moving from one part of the country to another has severely impeded my blog-writing capabilities for today. Furthermore, Barack’s insistence on staying silent over current affairs means there isn’t a whole lot of new material surfacing. So, in lieu of anything substantial or original, here are some topical comics, harvested from the internet by someone with nothing to do.

Back tomorrow.

Recount 2: Electric Boogaloo

The problem with writing about Obama is that he’s just far too sensible. Had the Republicans won the election, there would doubtless by now have been innumerable public gaffes made by the president and veep-elect, as well as the new cabinet being filled solely with octogenarian war heroes and Rush Limbaugh being appointed America’s poet laureate. In other words, this blog would be brimming with outrageous stories, all of which would basically have written themselves. However, things haven’t turned out that way, and instead it looks like we’ll get four years of progress and rational decisions. Well, that just sounds like hell.

Still, there’s one remnant of the election that staunchly refuses to go away, which means I can continue to count upon it for blog material: the Minnesota senate saga. A quick introduction: while most of the senate seats were voted on and decided two months ago, democrat Al Franken and rep Norm Coleman have been fighting an incredibly tense (some would say tedious) recount which is still seemingly nowhere closer to being resolved. Is Franken 49 votes ahead? Fifty? Or perhaps the whole thing is a Democrat hoax? When you consider there were about three million votes to start with, it seems rather petty to quarrel over such small figures. But quarreling there has been, on an immense and infuriating scale. Those are all links to different aspects of Al and Norm’s battle, all with the aim of getting about three more votes for their campaign.

And today it appears we may finally have a resolution to this clash of the filibustering titans: the final 900 or so absentee votes, long thought to have been eaten by Norm Coleman’s dog, have finally been found and are being counted. It’s a highly anticipated affair – you can even watch them being counted live online.

Hmm… an entire vote coming down to a handful of contested ballots? Weeks of deliberation and lawsuits? The chance of everything being halted by a Supreme Court ruling?

Remind you of anything?

Ah, now it becomes obvious what’s going on. Those poor Minnesotans, tired of being overlooked, are just trying to boost their profile by having a vote that’s just like the film Recount. Unfortunately, when you replace the glamour of Florida with the cold weather of Minnesota, it becomes a lot less appealing. Add that to the fact that Obama still won’t have a filibuster-proof majority even with Franken’s seat, and the whole thing becomes rather tedious, not least because this recount has approximately one millionth the importance of that one eight years ago. The point I’m trying to make is this: not every part of this election is bound to be as historic as the rest of it, and as with any momentous event there will always be some irritating and unimportant people trying to make a name for themselves. There’s only one thing to do now: vote for lizard people!