As I’m fed up of the embarrassment of watching my beloved Premiership team barely scrape past Blyth Spartans, it is time to blog again. And lo and behold – some fresh Obama news!

Two new events have occurred, of seemingly conflicting imports. Firstly, Barack is convincing congress to approve the economic stimulus that will save America from recession, rescue businesses from the brink of collapse, bring the state of the world in a swift about turn to prosperity and happiness, and surely crown him as the greatest… huh? Oh, the other event. Obama’s commerce nominee has pulled out of government because he is allegedly a cheating scumbag. And you thought things were looking good…

So, Obama’s transition has now been hit by two scandals, and it appears that he is surrounded by scumbags. Are doubts starting to creep in around such a promising appointment?

Surely something must be done to stabilise the economy and halt the advance of the swindlers. And these two helpful articles highlight the importance of one particular demographic in doing so: the middle class. Well, if there’s one subject I know well it’s life as a member of the suburban middle class, so without further ado I present the ten top tips for bolstering the bourgeois’s boldness and curing commerce’s critical condition.

1) Subsidise organic food. That’ll get the smug bastards running to the nearest Waitrose faster than you can say ’swiss chard frittata’.
2) Run an intensive propaganda campaign to put the image of a hybrid car on every billboard. They’ll be so full of middle-class guilt that everyone will buy at least 10 Priuses, negating the need for an automobile industry bailout.
3) Have the middle classes’ messiah, Nigella, endorse investment in long-term capital management.
4) Two words: iPhone tax.
5) That’s enough stereotyping. Don’t you think it’s part of the problem? Once you start stereotyping all types of people, you become something horrible. And, for me, this landmark in sociological progress represents a rejection of old-fashioned conservative values and stereotypes. If we won’t stop collectively ripping on the working class or whatever demographic happens to draw the short straw this week, there is little chance for the progress that we hope for from Obama’s presidency. Unification – not division – should be a theme of the next eight years. So, as I was saying, we should disband all current governments and immediately form a socialist arch-society… what? Oh yes, progress of democracy and all that.

Whoops, it’s after midnight and my datestamps will get mixed up. Oh well, it might encourage me to post something a mite less insane.

Also, a post script to the entry of two days ago: Franken is looking pretty likely to win now. Hurrah!